Or do you rely on Google to be reductionist in its bold, one line, AI driven reality?
I am, I certainly aspire to be, a wordsmith. I love etymology and semantics. I also enjoy the chasm between the spoken and written word. One can be so misinterpreted.
Am I flawed or floored? Is this karma or calmer? To bear, a bear, lay bare? Presents or presence? Homophones may cause havoc. I enjoy their power.
There are three words that interest me here: would, could and should.
Would you like breast or leg? Rarely asked in sexual encounters, most often asked when carving a chicken.
Would you, I would, implies ambition, politesse, not too much pressure, but an ask of the other to pass the peas, or the personal expression of a goal, a desire. There is nothing offensive or unpleasant in the word would.
Unless: “If I threw a stick would you go away?”
Would is a derivation of will.
Could has different connotations. In the ask of another, could you help me? implies they need to make an effort, agree, step up, depending on how it is asked. “Could you please shut up?” is different to “could you hold the ladder for me, please?”
Could is a derivation of can: can you, can I?
And we neatly roll onto the awful word Should.
Should is an endless, spiralling trigger into Shame.
Should defines obligation, duty or correctness. It is an ought, an imperative, a must, a perception of downfall, a signifier that you are disappointing another who you have given power to be the arbiter of good and bad, right and wrong. In the eyes of, is it God? Are you destined for the Hell Realms?
In the internal sense of the self, the Shoulds are a litany of self-perceived failures, and where you see yourself through the eyes of the other, perhaps your mother or partner. You know, those little remarks: oh, you have put on weight? You said you were on a diet. In these, and so many other small remarks, the Shoulds start screaming inside you.
Should is a trigger into shame, and shame is the sense that you are wrong, fractured, broken, in some way. That you fail, you have failed.
There are so many ways that you can feel shame, and it is your Shoulds and your Should nots, that feed, drive and enforce the internal sense of lack, no grit, no self-control, endless unease and suffering.
Your Shoulds are your shames, they are the markers of internalised shame. For some they are minor figures, but for others, these imperatives take on monstrous forms, thoughts that pierce and dysregulate, triggering helplessness. And sadly the Shoulds also trip you over into more acting in or out.
Let me help you here. I remember the first time I made a list of my own Shoulds and should nots. Some are still active, others have wilted and been shed. They no longer hold any power over me.
I should:
Be thinner.
Look younger.
Exercise more.
Smile more.
Be happier.
I should not:
Have taken so many drugs.
Have given myself alcohol poisoning.
Be so old.
Have wrinkles.
Have a resting bitch face.
Love marmalade so much.
Eat butter.
Eat carbs.
Check my emails so often.
Love peanut butter cup ice cream.
I would like to give you homework. Begin to notice your Shoulds and Should nots. They lie in wait, largely un-noticed, and when a light is shone upon them you can tackle each monster, laugh, be consciously aware of whose eyes are those, in your history, triggering you into shame.
Make a list of each, and whenever you feel triggered or bump into one, add it to the list. It is a potent piece of work.
Remember: we are Deserving Calm.